


Not in Darkness, But in Light

by RudeNNotGinger



Series: Commander Ian Shepard [3]
Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Ableism, Autistic Commander Shepard, Black Male Character, Bullying, Canon Autistic Character, Canon Disabled Character, Colonist (Mass Effect), F/M, Mass Effect 2, Mass Effect 2: Overlord, Miranda Lawson - Freeform, Missing Scene, Multi, OC Male Shepard, PTSD, Project Overlord, Sole Survivor (Mass Effect), Trans Male Character, Trans Male Shepard, Veetor'Nara - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-25
Updated: 2018-05-25
Packaged: 2019-05-13 18:05:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14753699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RudeNNotGinger/pseuds/RudeNNotGinger
Summary: "Shepard, you remember how I said back on the old Normandy that we don't throw anything away? That includes people."After his encounter with Project Overlord on Aite, Commander Shepard has been disturbingly quiet. He comes to find Tali, who helps him make sense of things and find peace.





	Not in Darkness, But in Light

Tali stood over her engineering console examining the Normandy’s drive core settings, but part of her mind replayed the shuttle ride back from Aite. Inside that segment of spacetime Commander Shepard was sitting next to her, deathly quiet. Something had wrung the commander's spirit out of him. She still saw his blown-open dark eyes, fixed on nothing.

The quarian turned as she heard familiar footfalls approaching. She noticed that Shepard's eyes looked wearier than usual, but at least they weren't twin portals into a bottomless abyss. A faint smile now curled on his lips. He was trying. For her, perhaps?

"Tali, I got your message." He reached up and absentmindedly rubbed the back of his neck. "Sorry it took me so long to get down here."

"Shepard." She turned to face him just as his hand went to his neck. He was clearly out of that empty, wrung-out state, but he still was _not_ okay. "Are you...alright?"

"I didn't tell you what I saw, did I?" he asked.

"You were silent the entire way back from that facility."

"It's still fresh. Kinda hard to talk about." He sighed. "I spent probably an hour staring up through the viewport in my cabin until Miranda came by to talk."

Ian swore that he could _hear_ the raised eyebrow from behind her mask. "The Cerberus cheerleader?"

"Apparently she read my report and decided to come check on me."

"I'm surprised."

"Well..." Shepard shrugged. "It does make sense. I am leading this mission, so she'd be concerned about my wellbeing."

"Ian." Tali folded her arms across her chest. "You're sure it's nothing more than that?"

"I don't think so." Shepard leaned against a nearby wall. "She called what Dr. Archer had done to his brother an 'abomination.' Said she understood why I was upset."

Tali's voice softened. "But you haven't told _me,_ Shepard. Unless...well...I'm sorry." She unfolded her arms and stepped closer to him. "I don't want to push you if you're not ready."

"It...I...I can't..." Shepard let out a soft sigh, then shook his head again. "The only phrase that keeps coming to me is 'strung up like a goddamned puppet.' That's how I found Dr. Archer's brother. Dr. Archer discovered that David can communicate with the geth by mimicking the sounds they make, so he was trying to merge David's mind with a VI to bring the geth under Cerberus control."

" _Keelah_..." Tali's tone was hushed; Ian imagined her eyes enlarging behind her visor. "That's a _terrible_ idea."

"Yeah. So it's not a surprise that the resulting hybrid went rogue. Started sabotaging systems while trying to escape."

"So the hybrid VI pulled you into that virtual reality."

"Exactly. And what's more...Dr. Archer's brother is autistic."

Ian thought he saw Tali's eyes brighten a bit behind her mask. "Like you, you mean."

"Yes, but not quite in the same way. Part of the mental world he inhabits includes complex mathematical equations. Maybe it's part of how his brain is wired and ordered, or how he navigates and understands the universe around him. But judging from what I saw, we both take in a lot more information through our senses than most humans. If we can't filter through it or if there's something that's really irritating or overwhelming, it's hard to function."

That made sense to Tali. Sometimes, she found Shepard in his cabin after missions on Omega, lying on his bed silently following constellations' patterns through the viewport overhead. Once or twice, she'd discovered him folded lotus-style on the floor next to Samara, quietly watching diamond pinpricks of light through the huge window in the starboard observation lounge. Growing up on the Migrant Fleet, it was rare -- if not at times impossible -- to find areas of a ship without noise or people, so Tali had learned to take what moments she could find to relax and decompress, sometimes if only within her own mind.

"I understand," she replied. "I can't even imagine what David went through."

Ian nodded slowly, then fought the constricted muscles and dry lump lodged near his throat so he could speak again. "It's a horrible thing to do to _anyone_ , but the poor guy's mind was constantly overloaded. Imagine relentless, deafening noise inside your own skull. You can't run away from it and you can't cover your ears. Like another person inside your head along with you, screaming, except that person feels to you like they're a hundred meters tall and as loud as a supernova. Eventually, you start screaming too...you _become_ the scream."

"I'm so sorry." Tali clasped his arm. "No wonder you were so quiet on the shuttle ride back."

"Yeah. Well." Shepard released a tightly held breath he didn't know was caged inside him. "He's safe now. They're taking him to Grissom Academy."

"Thank goodness for that." She squeezed Shepard's arm before letting go. "But I'm sure he didn't get out of it unscathed."

"He will never be the same again. And...it was hard to see. Made me think of some bullets I might have dodged."

"What do you mean?" Tali asked.

"Well, I didn't have a guy like Gavin Archer in my family, and like I said, my mind doesn't work quite like his. But it's only been a century or so since they were actively trying to lock autistic people away or get rid of them altogether. Human history is full of autistics being murdered or tortured. Sometimes by their own parents."

"What sort of bosh'tet would harm their own child?" Tali shot back.

"You'd be surprised," Ian replied quietly. "That doesn't happen much anymore. But a guy like David Archer comes along and they call him a 'savant.' They use it to mean someone who exhibits disabilities in many aspects but has an unusual aptitude for something like math, science, or music. Problem is, that implies he's incapable in other things...or worthless except for that exceptional skill."

"I think I know what you mean. You remember Veetor from Freedom's Progress? How reserved, quiet, and easily stressed he is?"

Ian nodded. "I was like that when I was a teenager. But I spent a long time pretending not to be. I didn't want to be bullied by the other kids, like one of my classmates was. And...I was afraid it'd keep me out of the Alliance."

"I understand. As for Veetor, well, most quarians are technologically savvy, but his skills are what one might call exceptional."

"But your people don't treat someone like Veetor any different."

"He has the same rights and responsibilities as any other adult quarian, but we'd also accommodate him. He's returned to the flotilla already and joined the Rayya, but when Dr. Elan'Shiya says he can return to normal life, he'll be assigned to work in someplace quieter, more conducive to him. Where he can use his capabilities and not experience stressful or overwhelming situations."

"That's good." Ian bit his lip, pondering a moment before he spoke again. "I guess it goes back to something I told myself after my family was killed on Mindoir. I wanted my life to mean something. And whatever that was would be up to me. Not what others decided for me."

"Shepard," Tali replied, "you remember how I said back on the old Normandy that we don't throw anything away? That includes people."

Ian felt his heart swell three sizes. Without thinking, he reached for Tali's hand. Once she clasped it, he interlocked his own fingers with her long, graceful digits. "Tali..."

"I know." Tali squeezed his hand. "As I said, I'm not here for Cerberus. I'm here for you. And not just because we need to stop the Collectors."

For the moment, all Ian Shepard could do was hold on to Tali’Zorah vas Normandy’s hand in warm silence as wetness rimmed the bottom edges of his eyelids. His mind tried to curl around more words and bring them to his tongue, but it fumbled and found none. This time not in darkness, but in an inescapable radiant light that spilled through his entire being.


End file.
